Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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