He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dignity is for republicans.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize