hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
