mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
