i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
