we're blogging at a bar
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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