fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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