Where are you?
In a non slutty way
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just threw up on my dentist
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize