its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
