I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
