I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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