so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
