When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize