Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(516): View more from New York

Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(719): View more from Colorado

The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.

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(760): View more from California

Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.

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