I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
