I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Quick, to the slutcave!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
