I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
