There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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