dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You're like the curious george of whores
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
