Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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