Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
