Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
