I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
