I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
