did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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