I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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