Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So here I am, sexting at work.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
