The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
