Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
