My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
