dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
