I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
