She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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