I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
