I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
