you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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