I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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