Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Couch. On fire.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
