I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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