Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
