Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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