They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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