im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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