My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
