At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
