Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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