i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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