So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
