If i could tip my vagina, i would.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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