90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
