just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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