I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My cat gives me a boner
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
