Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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