if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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