I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i came on her dog
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
