They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you traded sex for a burrito?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
