I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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